Benedict calls Sydney ‘extraordinary’, no Papal Bull

The Pontiff Benedict XI has officially described World Youth Day 2008 and the people of Sydney as extraordinary, as he pronounces it ‘ex-tra-or-di-nary’.

Pope Benedict stated, that it was “great to see the ‘face of youth’ not being represented by Miranda Kerr, for once”.

Sydney has enjoyed 3 weeks of hosting young people from all over the world with their colourful backpacks and large Pilgrim Passes.

A Pilgrim is person who goes on a long, difficult journey often facing extreme conditions, so that was all of us on City Rail.

After so much favourable media coverage, the Catholic Media Society has moved plans to start it’s own radio station in Sydney, called ‘Micks FM’.

Spokesperson Charmaine Hughes says they intend to use a modified Pope Mobile like the 2DAY FM’s Black Thunders, and will be playing mostly U2, with the occasional Ave Maria.

Music was a large part of the success of WYD08. Many international choirs performed as well as other artists such as Guy Sebastian, not a famous Catholic, but a famous virgin.

With no sign of the equine influenza, apart from thousands of hoarse voices. The final mass at the Randwick Racecourse was a huge success with one Pilgrim claiming that the Pope was “bigger than the Beatles.” 

NSW Premier in love, traffic, and trouble…I think

Addressing a conference yesterday, Premier Nathan Rees made a rather strange and clumsy comment on the status of traffic congestion in Sydney.

“It’s like being in love. If you think you are in love, you are in love. If you think you are in traffic, you are in traffic.”

Reaction ranged from baffled silence to nervous laughter. Many observers already feeling anger at the cancellation of major infrastructure programs have been critical of Rees’ 7 weeks in the job.

The Premier responded this morning saying “we’ve made it very clear that public transport and easing congestion are front and centre of my government.”

He added “so to are breeding multi-coloured unicorns and replacing ferries with large swan-shaped pedal boats.” Hoping to reassure NSW voters Rees continued, “if you think you are going to catch a bus and make it to work on time, you will. That’s how easy it is.”

Or as pensioner Margery Black of Epping told Mind the Gap, “if you think that it is impossible to bumble along so badly that Barry O’Farrell starts to look good, then you think you can win the next election.”

This month’s other headlines:

Bush pledges $700 billion to rescue economy, $400 billion in World of Warcraft gold

 

 

Burn After Reading, new Coen Bros Film about Costello Memoirs

 

 

Australia – The Movie, better than New Zealand – The Movie, critics say

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Another Qantas near miss…Stewardess says ‘no’ to Ralph Fiennes

 

First, a faulty computer unit caused a Qantas jetliner to nosedive sharply twice during a flight to Perth. Then seven people were injured when the driver of a Qantas bus was forced to swerve to avoid hitting an airport operations vehicle.

Now, it has come to light that Ralph Fiennes was on a flight from Singapore to Brisbane when he propositioned a stewardess on the way to the toilet.

Qantas Stewardess Nicole Woodrow had friends on the Airbus A330-300 which experienced the nosedives. She stated that her experience was “almost as scary.”

“There was about 90 seconds of arms, legs and hair going all over the cabin before the Captain managed to get him under control”

“I’ve never been that frightened before in my life”

The prospect of anymore terrifying midair plunges was too much for Ms Woodrow, who lives in Brisbane. Having politely yet firmly refused Fiennes request she was surprised when he followed her into the toilet.

“We treat our business class passengers very well” she said “but I don’t what he was expecting”. Luckily with the help of the captain and another quick-thinking passenger things were returned to normal in only a few minutes.

Nicole Woodrow is looking forward to being back at work after a week of rest.

Warnie to be used in new Virgin Mobile ad

Virgin mobile has just announced it has recently finished filming a series of television ads featuring Aussie cricketer Shane Warne. “It’s a smart move when my experience using mobile phones, especially texting is so well known”, states Warne.

The company hopes that the rise in popularity of SMS messages will spread to other consumers by showcasing the ease in which both a sexual encounter can be arranged and an excuse sent to your spouse or partner.

The ad will first be released via the internet in a viral ad campaign. It will feature an overweight and smoking Warne speeding away from the house containing his wife and kids. A small ad in the back windscreen of his car will say FOR SALE: 0403SHANEW. 

Other features highlighted in the TV ads include; how SMS can be used to organise deliveries, including items such as baked beans and weight loss drugs. 

Virgin Mobile is also talking to Aussie actor and star of The Cinderella Man Russell Crowe about appearing in their summer campaign. 

Currently titled ‘Making your Phone more Mobile’. It will highlight the benefits of owning a phone of your own, as well as advice on how to send poetry.

In January 2006 Virgin Mobile intends to release a new phone, the Crowe 2210. The new phone will have a built-in alarm to let you know that your speech has gone for too long and has a function to capture video footage automatically should a fight break out in a night club or awards ceremony. 

FOXTEL employee fired for laughing at term ‘Digital Penetration’

Foxtel scheduling assistant Adrian Blaxland was dismissed Friday, after repeatedly giggling through CEO Kim Williams’ speech to staff.

Williams’ address on the future technological advancements into digital services of the Pay-TV carrier, were interrupted by Mr Blaxland giggling, coughing and wiping his eyes. This raucous behaviour resulted in a number of warnings from Blaxland’s Team Leader Gary Mackinley to “be quiet and listen to the address.”

Mr Blaxland who works on the 2^nd floor of the Foxtel building, commented that the giggling first occurred after a company memo was sent to all staff asking them to “come together in the downstairs area”.

Blaxland’s work-mate Brent Harris stated that after they had gathered together, they both began to giggle when William’s opening included the phrase “All hands must be involved”.

But it was when Williams stated that “digital penetration would be easier in pubs and hotels, than in people’s homes” that Blaxland admitted he “really lost it”.

Mr Blaxland stated after his dismissal that it wasn’t his fault, he just reacted to what was said. He admitted that he also giggles when “people use the word ‘angina’.”

Malcolm Turnbull admits to smoking Marijuana, then going out for gourmet pizza

Opposition leader Malcolm Turnbull has admitted that he smoked pot when he was at University.

Not only did he inhale but he and some of his young liberal friends also went ‘on a pizza run’.  He reports “that we were like, dude let’s go grab some wood-fired and we went down to Alfredos Eastern Suburbs Pizzeria.

I’ve never been as hungry as that since, except to be the leader of the Liberal Party and eventually Prime Minister”. 

Mr Turnbull added that he would not repeat his mistakes and that “the next time you see me blowing smoke it will be up the ass of the Australian public”.

Mr Turnbull admitted that while getting rid of the munchies was satisfying, it wasn’t anything like getting rid of Brendan Nelson. He adds that “Kevin Rudd and the Queen are next”. 

Rudd talks about economy, interest rate low.

Kevin Rudd held a press conference today to inform the Australian public that he is in constant contact with world leaders. Sources claim that this may be through on-line networking tool Twitter.

Prime Minister Rudd has promised that he will hold daily press conferences to inform anyone who is around of  “measures into the future, going forward” and also “long-term reform, actively working within the territory”.

The US Federal Reserve, acting in coordination with other global central banking authorities, cut a key US interest rate by half a percentage point to steady a teetering economy.

Mr Rudd gave a stern warning, veiled threat or polite suggestion to the Big 4 banks that he expects the “maximum pass through of interest rate cut”. 

He is absolutely committed to informing the Australian public of “the medium and long-term regulatory response to the global financial crisis.”

He is also keen to address superannuants, which research has revealed are not ‘ants’, nor are they ‘super’.

New Flavour Coke: Cocaine

Coca-Cola’s addictive new flavour Traditional Coke is released today. It is set to join the ranks of other successfully released flavours such as Cherry Coke, Vanilla Coke and Diet Coke with Lemon, This is a significant move in the on-going Cola war with Pepsi’s, Blue, Max and Diet Max.

In a bid to try and market new flavours and increase levels of consumers, Coke’s new thing is something old.

The juggernaut beverage company has decided to return to its original recipe from 1898, in releasing what it calls Traditional Coke. This original medicinal pick-me-up is notable for a familiar taste, but with an added ingredient, cocaine.

Coca-Cola Amatil tested alternative names for the new-release including Blow, Rock, Powder or The Shit.

Company executives have also hinted that as well as being available in 300mls, 500mls, 700mls, 1L, 1.25L, 1.5L, 2L, 3L, bottles and cans, the new variety will also be available by the gram, in plastic bags and by the suitcase.

Coca Cola estimates its market share will increase despite the price increase per unit.

Miranda and Orlando go Kerr-Bloom!

The hottest couple of 2008 are no longer together. Insiders confirm that Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom have officially split-up with reports that Orlando was jealous of “Miranda’s relationship with an Aussie DJ”

Friends are surprised that the unique combination of an actor dating a model did not last longer than 6 months.

Miranda Kerr who is known as the face of David Jones, began a relationship with Orlando Bloom who is known as having the body of Keira Knightley. It is believed they both met in the women’s section of a department store, in January of this year.

While stunned, Orlando has thrown himself into working on his new film which is belived to be some crap about a man-boy who cries.

Bloom, who when he visited earlier this year, became Australia’s favourite son-in-law, has now gone back to being ‘that poncey Brit from the pirate movies’.

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